Yes, that is a "The Office" reference.
It’s summertime (yay) which means families and friends are going to be spending a lot more time together; and I can’t think of a better time to talk about boundaries!
So, what are boundaries? Boundaries are rules and guidelines for how you want to be treated by others. Boundaries allow you:
to be your true self.
are a form of self-care,
create realistic expectations and,
create safety.
It is not uncommon for feelings of guilt to prevent people from effectively setting limits and realistic expectations. The number one thing I hear from clients when talking about boundaries is, “well I don’t want to make anyone mad or be viewed as selfish and rude.” Remember, you can be a good person with a kind heart and still say no. (Simply saying “no” is communicating a boundary.)
Boundaries are not about punishing the people in your life. They are about being clear on what you need and allowing natural rewards or consequences to ensure. In order for these natural rewards and consequences to play out, we need to be clear with ourselves about how we will respond when people do respect the boundary and when they do not.
Some questions you can ask yourself while deciding if you need to set boundaries are:
Are you being taken advantage of?
Are your needs on the back burner? It is important to learn to say no to unreasonable or unmanageable demands.
Are you feeling resentment towards someone and are not sure why?
Establishing boundaries is a process. Take your time and look for small ways to begin.
Boundary setting can almost be the easy part, with the follow through being the most difficult. When setting a limit, ensure you are able to implement and live with it. Limits are likely to be tested and, if broken, the person is making a choice, leading to consequences. Do not excuse them, change your mind, or feel guilty for enforcing a consequence. Giving in sends the message you aren’t committed to the boundary, allowing their behavior to continue to go unchanged. The other person always has a choice – you are not forcing them to do anything. You are stating how they can be in a successful relationship with you, and then they get to choose how to respond.
Boundary tip: providing positive feedback is as important as communicating concerns, people are more likely to continue positively when provided with positive feedback.
Internal boundaries are taking responsibility for yourself: your needs, your feelings, your thoughts, and your behaviors. i.e. “even if I am in the middle of a big project, I will get up by noon to eat lunch.”
External boundaries: happen when we express to someone else what our limit is, so they know how to be successful with us. We can set external boundaries proactively (giving a heads up) i.e. “alone time helps me recharge, I need it once a week”, or, reactively: (the boundary we have to set in the moment when we feel a violation is happening and we have to let the person know, very clearly, our limits). i.e. “this is my alone time, let’s talk about that later”.
Keep in mind, setting appropriate boundaries regardless if they are internal, external, proactive, or reactive; takes time to learn both for yourself and those you are setting them for. Be patient and kind to yourself.
Types of boundaries:
Physical: recognize our need for physical space, are clear about our comfort level with touch, and can meet our own basic survival needs.
Emotional: respecting feelings, recognize how much emotional energy we can take in or give out, know when to share and when not to share, and know who to share with.
Time: understanding your priorities and making time for them, making sure you do not over commit, and limiting the time you give to others so you can give enough to yourself.
Sexual: seeking agreement from our partner when we partake in sexual activities. It also means that beyond the consent, we show respect throughout our sexual interactions by respecting each other’s preferences and desires, privacy and maintain good health and safety practices.
Material: how your physical items are treated, and which items can be and cannot be shared or given away.
Intellectual: the way we treat each other’s thoughts and ideas. When we respect others intellect, we are able to acknowledge their thoughts and ideas and show curiosity, even when we do not agree.
This is just the tip of the iceberg, I can talk for hours, maybe even days about boundaries. Luckily for everyone I have a word limit haha. For further information do not be shy to set up an appointment with me, I would love to work on setting appropriate boundaries with you. Additionally, Canadian Mental Health Association – Saskatoon Branch; offers a free course you can check out on their Wellness Hub linked below: (disclaimer: the course was developed to target families affected by their loved one’s mental illness, however, the information provided is beneficial for everyone).
Until next time...
PS: don’t be shy and check out my work Instagram page: newperspectivecounselling
Chantel Bode BSW, RSW, C-DBT
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