What the 'h e double hockey sticks' is assertive communication and why is it important to learn? Great question, let's talk about it! Communicating assertively means expressing your point of view in a way that is clear and direct, while still respecting others. It gives you the best chance of successfully delivering your message, helps you communicate more confidently and be more authentic in your interactions with others.
The different types of communication styles:
Passive Communication
Passive people often don’t communicate verbally. They tend to bottle up their emotions instead of expressing them, perhaps out of fear of hurting others or making them uncomfortable, or maybe because they don’t believe their feelings or opinions matter as much as those of others. People with a passive communication style usually fear confrontation and believe that voicing their opinions, beliefs, or emotions will cause conflict. Their goal is usually to keep the peace and not rock the boat, so they sit back and say little.
Aggressive Communication
Aggressive communicators attempt to control others. They’re concerned with getting their own way, regardless of the cost to others. Aggressive people are direct, but in a forceful, demanding, and perhaps even vicious way. They tend to leave others feeling resentful, hurt and afraid. They might get what they want, but it’s usually at the expense of others, and sometimes at their own expense, as they may later feel guilty, regretful, or ashamed because of how they behaved.
Passive-Aggressive Communication
Like passive communicators, those who have a passive-aggressive style fear confrontation and don’t express themselves directly. However, because of their aggressive tendencies, their goal is to get their way, but they tend to use indirect techniques that more subtly express their emotions, such as sarcasm, the silent treatment, or saying they’ll do something for others but then “forgetting”.
Assertive Communication
Assertive people express their wishes, thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a direct and honest way that’s respectful both of themselves and of others. They attempt to get their own needs met but also try to meet the needs of others as much as possible. They listen and negotiate, so others often choose to cooperate with them because they’re also getting something out of the interaction. Others tend to respect and value assertive communicators because this communication style makes them feel respected and valued.
Assertive communication is the way people with good self-esteem tend to express themselves. They feel good about themselves, and they recognize that they have a right to express their opinions and feelings. However, this does not mean people with low self-esteem can’t be assertive and being more assertive in your communication will actually improve how you feel about yourself. It will also improve your relationships and interactions with others, and this too will increase your self-esteem.
The Skill of Assertiveness
As with any new behaviour, becoming more assertive will take time and effort. Like any skill, it takes practice. Some people, especially those who have been more passive, find that communicating and acting assertively feels like acting aggressively, simply because you’re not used to asking for what you want. Learning to be assertive will be uncomfortable and possibly even scary at times, but gradually you’ll learn that this is the healthiest way of communicating and begin to see positive changes in your relationship.
The messages we received about emotions as we were growing up shaped our thoughts and feelings about them. The same thing happens with communication: we learn how to communicate by observing how others around us communicate. It can be challenging to be assertive if you grew up surrounded by people who communicated in passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive ways.
How Assertiveness is like Getting the Oil Changed
People often have difficulties asserting themselves with those they really care about or in professional situations, possibly because they fear they might damage the relationship by expressing their true needs and emotions. (Sound familiar? Cough cough, just like when we start setting boundaries!) But relationships (family, friends, work) usually suffer because of a lack of assertiveness by one or multiple people. Work on addressing problems as they arise rather than letting them pile up until they become unmanageable.
The Role of Assertiveness in Balancing Enjoyable Activities and Responsibilities
Another important part of assertive communication is developing more balance. It’s important to think about what your patterns are:
Do you have a tendency to always give in and do what your partner, friends, or family members want you to do?
Do you usually disregard others wishes and pursue your own interest?
Or are you able to find more of a balance, sometimes putting your own needs first and other times putting the needs of others first?
To live balanced lives, we all need to give, share, and sometimes make sacrifices, but we must also sometimes put our own needs first or even ask others to make sacrifices for us. Always giving in to the other person’s wishes, is not healthy.
If you feel guilty about putting your own needs first at times, remember, putting your needs first isn’t contrary to your morals and values as long as you aren’t doing this consistently or at the expense of others. Rather, putting your own needs first is actually good self-care. Think of assertiveness as a new language: unless you have opportunities to speak this new language, you’re going to lose it fast.
One Last Note - Active Listening!
There are many elements to communication including speaking, messages, body language, and expression. Listening, often overlooked, is one of the most important elements. Listening involves hearing the message correctly and understanding it the way the speaker wants you to.
Listening is an active process. To be a good listener, we also need to provide feedback to the speaker. Feedback lets the speaker know that you are paying attention to what they are saying. It includes physical feedback like head nods and facial expressions and verbal feedback like “uh huhs.” (maybe you notice this with your counsellor haha) It also means, however, allowing the person to speak and not interrupting.
Benefits of active listening
There are many important benefits of active listening, these include:
Builds deep trust - As you cultivate the habit of listening sincerely, you invite people to open up. They can sense that you will not be jumping to conclusions based on superficial details. They also realise that you care enough about them to listen attentively.
Broadens your perspective - Your own perspective in life is not the complete truth or how everyone else sees it. The way you understand life from your beliefs and thinking is only one way to look at it – listening to other people’s perspectives allows you to look at life from different perspectives, some of which you may not have thought of before.
Strengthens your patience - The ability to be a good listener takes time and you need to develop it with regular efforts over time. But as you gradually get better and better at listening, an automatic benefit is that you develop patience. Patience to let the other person express their feelings and thoughts honestly while you don’t judge.
Active Listening video: Trust me, you will not be disappointed!
PS: Your future needs you. Your past doesn't.
Until next time,
Chantel Bode
Source: DBT Made Simple: A Step-by-Step Guide to Dialectical Behavior Therapy Book by Sheri Van Dijk
Aapted From (Adult Family Program – SHA) Living With Mental Illness: A Guide for Family and Friends Understanding (2008-2010), Capital District Health Authority. Retrieved January 2017 from http://ourhealthyminds.com/family-handbook/
Source received from: https://www.skillsyouneed.com/ips/active-listening.html
Source received from: https://virtualspeech.com/blog/active-listening-skills-examples-and-exercises
Video: The RSA (Dec 10, 2013). Brené Brown on Empathy. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw
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