My Lanta, What On Earth Is Codependency?
Great question, let’s talk about it!
Codependency is a relationship pattern where you focus on others at your own expense. Common with addiction, mental illness, and trauma. Codependency is not a one size fits all. you may relate to some traits but not all.
Codependency can look and sound like, (bear with me, this may seem like a long list):
You focus your attention on pleasing others.
When your personal interests and needs conflict with those of others, you give up your own interests and needs.
You base your response to others on your fear of their rejection or anger.
You spend a lot of time trying to get other people to do things your way.
When your values are challenged, put down, or violated by other people, you don’t defend them.
You base your self-image on what other people say and think about you.
Afraid of facing reality, you often fantasize about throw things will be different when something happens or someone important to you changes.
You are out of touch with your feelings; sometimes you’re not sure what you're feeling and other times you can’t identify any feelings at all.
You need a high degree of control over people, circumstances and events.
You have low self-esteem.
You have unrealistic expectations of yourself and others.
You often take responsibility for others, particularly their feelings.
You have difficulty making decisions.
You live under a high degree of stress, but you deny it and delude yourself into thinking that it isn’t affecting you.
You enable the person in your life to continue their unhealthy behaviours.
You tend to love people that you can pity and rescue.
You feel responsible for the actions of others.
You do more than your share in the relationship to keep the peace.
You are afraid of being abandoned or alone.
You feel responsible for your partner’s happiness.
You have difficulty adjusting to change.
You have difficulty making decisions and often doubt yourself.
You are reluctant to trust others.
Your moods are controlled by the thoughts and feelings of those around you.
Remember, this is not a complete and final list of codependency. You don’t have to experience everything on this list to identify with codependency and there may be things you’ve experienced that are not on this list.
Codependency does not mean you can’t help or care about someone. It’s about finding the balance of what is healthy vs. unhealthy for yourself when helping someone.
Causes of Codependency
Childhood Onset
Begins with your family - when you are raised in one that does not foster or support healthy behaviours.
Can occur in childhood if you survived trauma as a child i.e. physical, emotional, sexual abuse or neglect, or experienced loss.
Can occur when a parent(s) or a family member has an addiction, mental illness, codependency, chronic illness, etc.
As a child, healthy behaviours were not seen or taught so the child creates ways to survive in the family.
Adult Onset
Can begin in adulthood when you’re in a relationship with an individual who is unhealthy i.e. someone with an addiction someone who is physically, emotionally, or sexually abused, someone with a chronic illness.
Healing from Codependency
The good news is that codependency is a learned behavior, which means it can be unlearned. If you love your partner, friendships, family member, and want to keep the relationship, you need to heal yourself first and foremost. Some healthy steps to healing your relationship from codependency include:
Start being honest with yourself and your partner
Doing things that we do not want to do not only wastes our time and energy, but it also brings on resentments. Saying things that we do not mean only hurts us, because we then are living a lie. Be honest in your communication and in expressing your needs and desires.
Stop negative thinking
Catch yourself when you begin to think negatively. If you begin to think that you deserve to be treated badly, catch yourself and change your thoughts. Be positive and have higher expectations.
Don’t take things personally
It takes a lot of work for a codependent person not to take things personally, especially when in an intimate relationship. Accepting the other as they are without trying to fix or change them is the first step.
Take breaks
There is nothing wrong with taking a break from your partner. It is healthy to have friendships outside of your partnership. Going out with friends brings us back to our center, reminding us of who we really are.
Consider counselling
Get into counseling with your partner. A counselor serves as an unbiased third party. They can point out codependent tendencies and actions between the two of you that you may not be aware of. Feedback can provide a starting point and direction. Change cannot happen if we do not change.
Establish boundaries
Those who struggle with codependency often have trouble with boundaries. We do not know where our needs begin or where the other’s end. We often thrive off guilt and feel bad when we do not put the other first.
Deal with Your Past
Sometimes, your tendency to display codependent behaviors is a result of past trauma. Take a look at your family relationships, abuse, neglect, or other events that may be stopping you from being comfortable with who you are. Digging up things from your past may be painful and uncomfortable, but it is necessary to be able to move forward.
Learn What Healthy Love Looks Like
Not all unhealthy relationships are codependent, but all codependent relationships are generally unhealthy. This doesn’t mean codependent relationships are doomed. It’s just going to take some work to get things back on track. One of the first steps in doing so is simply learning what a healthy, non-codependent relationship looks like.
“Healthy love involves a cycle of comfort and contentment, while toxic love involves a cycle of pain and despair.”
Signs of Healthy Love:
Partners trust themselves and each other.
Both partners feel secure in their own self-worth.
Partners can compromise.
In a healthy relationship, your partner should care about your feelings, and you should feel safe to communicate your emotions and needs. You should also feel able to voice an opinion that differs from your partner’s or say no to something that conflicts with your own needs.
Remember, You Can Only Control Your Own Actions
Trying to control someone else’s actions generally doesn’t work out. But if you feel validated by your ability to support and care for your partner, failing at this can make you feel pretty miserable. Their lack of change might frustrate you. You might feel resentful or disappointed that your helpful efforts had little effect. These emotions can either leave you feeling worthless or more determined to try even harder and begin the cycle again.
You have a responsibility to manage your own behaviors and reactions. You aren’t responsible for your partner’s behavior, or anyone else’s.
PS: If taking care of yourself means letting someone down, then let someone down.
Until next time...
Chantel Bode
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