I thought I would try something a little different and talk about an important topic that is not known very well - families affected by their loved ones mental illness.
Back in the day I facilitated an amazing support group called Families Matter Support Group (FMSG), through Canadian Mental Health Association - Saskatoon Branch. The FMSG is for individuals affected by their loved one's mental illness.
"The Families Matter Support Group has brought hope to many of our participants. It allows a sense of comfort knowing they are not alone during these stressful and exhausting experiences. Knowing there is a place and people to go and reach out too who understand, takes so much stress off their shoulders and creates a sense of belonging when they once felt isolated."
-FMSG Participant
Individuals who attend the FMSG have loved ones who experience:
· Schizoaffective Disorder · Schizophrenia · Borderline Personality Disorder · Bipolar I and II · OCD · ADHD · Depression · Anxiety · PTSD · Generalized Mood Disorder · Post-Partum Depression · Other: medical i.e. cancer in addition to mental illness.
It can feel isolating being an individual affected by your loved one's mental illness as many people do not understand the complexity associated with mental illness.
It is common for individuals to be in constant survival mode working through one crisis after another with their loved one. Trying to find the perfect balance between helping and being supportive without enabling and having this become theirs (caregiver) or their families identity; and let me tell you, this is not easy to do. It is not simply black and white - there is so much grey to navigate through.
I asked participants - what they wished people knew about being an individual affected by a loved ones mental illness, and they were beyond generous to share their perspective. Here is what they had to say:
o “Mental illness is not a choice. I wish people realized and accepted this”.
o “Knew the day-to-day complexity of mental illness”.
o “Normalize needing support for mental Illness – educate yourself – help end the stigma”.
o “Stop the judgment – you may mean well with the advice you provide but they can’t just ‘get over it’ and we simply can’t just ‘kick them out of the house’”.
o “Everyone needs support from people who understand what they are going through. Being a loved one of someone who experiences mental illness is draining and exhausting and affects us greatly. I wish people could see that”.
o “The hardest thing to do is watch your love one suffer and not be able to help them. Please have more compassion”.
o “Sometimes we simply need people to sit and listen without offering advice. Be with me and support me during difficult times, and there will be many difficult times”.
o “The stigma surrounding mental illness is still very large”.
o “When someone is having a hard time provide connection - such as small gestures i.e. bringing a plate of cookies, offering to go for a walk, providing a hot meal during a difficult and stressful time”.
o “Everyone deals with mental illness differently. Sometimes, we as loved ones need to take time for ourselves when you think we should be socializing. Please keep in mind, you have no idea what we go through”.
o “Instead of judging my actions, thoughts and the way I handle a situation, why don’t you ask me”.
o “So much of what our loved one’s experience is not our story to share”.
o “We have to constantly remind ourselves the way our loved ones behave, the hurtful things they say, is the mental illness, not our love ones speaking”.
o “That our workplaces understood mental more – that at times, we have to take time off to be there for our family member”.
o “It can be very lonely and isolating”.
o “Trying to find a way to explain to people what is happening without prompting more questions is a difficult balance. Sometimes we don’t want to talk about everything that is happening”.
o “Everything is not always as it seems. We may be smiling but an hour ago we were holding our loved one through a panic attack”.
o “It is not as simple as someone is sick and they just need to take a pill”.
o “You have these ideas of what the future may hold for your loved one and have to accept those ideas will never happen. You have to change your perspective for what the future could possible hold”.
o “You not only lost the formed identify of yourself and your family, your loved one lost their identity too. Everyone has to figure out their new identity surrounding this mental illness”.
o “People need to give themselves permission to grieve (loss of identity)”.
o “The mental health system is extremely complex and difficult to navigate”.
o “When you have a mental illness, it is not as simple as going to the doctor. It is a long and stressful process that can be draining and exhausting”.
“An individual diagnosed with a mental illness can lose their sense of identity for a time – their happiness, passions, energy and understanding of their world is no longer what it used to be. This is also true for individuals affected by a loved one’s mental illness. The family unit is reluctantly required to to establish a new identity. Your thoughts of what the future held for yourself, your family, and your loved one disappear. Give yourself permission to grieve this loss.”
- FMSG Participant
Below are resources from Canadian Mental Health Association - Saskatoon Branch, don't be shy to check them out!
Lets leave it at that for now.
PS: quick side note: there is discussion about setting appropriate boundaries, effective communication, working through guilt, etc. in the FMSG. (Seriously, this group is amazing!)
Until next time,
Chantel
<— Common sayings from the FMSG. Did we put them on a business card as a reminder to bring with you? You bet we did!
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