Elizabeth Earnshaw said it best, that’s right, I’m starting this blog off with a quote!
“Needs. We’ve all got them. Sadly, we forget about them sometimes in our everyday lives.”
How true is that statement? I often ask clients, “what do you need right now?” This question is difficult to answer for some people and that’s ok! A common answer I receive is, “I don’t know.” This is normal and lets us know we need to spend some time reflecting on what your possible needs might be.
It’s easier for us to say what we don’t like and what we don't want, but if we are asked to challenge ourselves to think of what we do like or what we do want, it becomes harder to answer. Humans are quick with negative responses but struggle in finding the positive ones. (This is something we can work on!)
It’s important for us to recognize our needs for ourselves and our relationships.
We cannot expect the people in our lives to know our needs if we are unable to share what those needs are; and what’s the best way to figure out our needs? That’s right, reflection! Ask yourself:
“What is something I need in my life right now?”
As mentioned above, the typical response from people is a negative response i.e.
“I need my partner to stop coming home so late.” or “I want my kids to stop being so difficult.” John Gottman and Marshall Rosenberg call these responses, “negative needs” or “negative requests.” Meaning, we talk about what we don’t need or want instead of what we do need or want.
Common examples include:
“Stop spending so much money.”
“I don’t want to feel continually exhausted anymore.”
“I need you to stop raising your voice!”
“I want you stop spending so much time at the office.”
“Stop drinking!”
“Don’t ignore me!”
“I don’t want to spend so much time with your family.”
If instead you talked about what you do want and need, then you respond in terms of “positive needs"
Examples:
“I need to save money, so I feel financially secure.”
“I want to stay home tonight because I need rest.”
“Please lower your voice when we talk. I need to feel safe.”
“I want you to spend more time at home, so I feel connected to you.”
“I want for us to talk about how we can manage alcohol use in our home. I need to know how we can meet your needs in another way.”
“Can you please show me that you are listening to me.”
“I want to spend time differently over the holidays. I need to have influence on what the holidays look like for us.”
So, how the h e double hockey sticks are we supposed to reframe our negative needs to positive needs if we are having difficulty figuring out our needs in the first place? Super good question, and Earnshaw shares how we can do this!
All human beings have needs. They fall into four categories:
Completely Valid Human Needs
Survival Needs | Belonging Needs |
o Ability to clean o Ability to go to the bathroom o Air o Body movement o Emotional security o Financial security o Food o Freedom from fear/physical safety o Medical attention o Sex o Shelter o Sleep or rest o Warmth o Water | o Acceptance o Affection o Being able to reciprocate o Being appreciated o Being seen o Closeness o Commitment/reliability o Fairness/consideration o Feeling desired o Friendship o Help with problems o Honesty o Inclusion o Influencing others o Partnership o Physical touch o Play o Reassurance o Relationship predictability o Responsiveness o Trust |
Self-Development Needs | Meaning Needs |
o Ability to express the self o Access to feelings o Access to intellectual endeavors o Alone time o Being able to set and meet goals o Boundaries o Dignity o Hobbies/interest o Passions o Privacy o Plans o Recognition of your uniqueness o Respect o Routine o Sense of control o Sense of freedom o Spontaneity | o Ability to reflect o Appreciation of life o Awe-inspiring moments o Believing you matter or will leave a mark on the world o Caring for/impacting other people o Connecting to something greater than yourself o Dreaming o Gratitude o Living in alignment with your values/integrin o Opportunities to make impact o Pursuit of building or creating something o Relational growth o Taking action on your dreams |
It’s easy for us to feel that our needs aren’t valid. Try your hardest to challenge those feelings. You do need things; this does not make you selfish.
Finding a way to share your needs and feel heard and validate for them is empowering.
Below is an activity Earnshaw shares to help get you started on identifying your needs. Give it a try!
Until next time,
Chantel
PS: if you haven't read Earnshaw's book, I Want This to Work: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating the Most Difficult Relationship Issues We Face in the Modern Age. It is a must! The information shared here is only a little nugget of valuable information she shares in her book.
Activity: Identify Your Needs
1. Take some time to answer the following questions for each type of need: survival, belonging, self-development, and meaning. Refer to the needs inventory table if you want prompts.
o What do I need in this area?
o How can I work toward meeting these needs?
o What blocks me from getting my needs met in each area?
o How would my life be different if I started to have these needs met?
2. Write down the things you don’t want to be happening in specific areas of your life i.e. relationships, work, hobbies, etc. Example: “I don’t want to be the only one taking care of the house.”
3. Sit with each item that you wrote down in step 2. Notice how each one feels. Notice what it makes you think. Write these insights down underneath what you wrote for step 2. Example: “when I think about taking care of the house alone, I feel sad, and my body feels tense. It makes me think I will never get a break.”
4. Using the needs inventory in the table, connect the items you listed in step 2 to the corresponding need. Example: “I don’t want to be the only one taking care of the house. It feels chaotic and unfair.” Possible needs: “help, fairness, peace, rest.”
5. Now, write down what you do want in place of what you do not want. Example: replace “I don’t want to be the only one taking care of the house: with “I need help around the house, and I need peace so I can rest.”
Source: 2021.I Want This to Work: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating the Most Difficult Relationship Issues We Face in the Modern Age. Elizabeth Earnshaw
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